Thursday, November 29, 2007

Why I Don't Trust French People

Ed. Note:

I can't believe I actually have to write this here, but I guess I do. I get a lot of comments on my blog's various postings. (Warning: stupid joke ahead!) Most of them are from that famous person named Anonymous. (See? Hahahahaha!) This blog is set up so that comments go directly to my e-mail address.

This post generates more comments than the others. Today was the last straw. Anonymous wrote and told me how horrible it was that I trashed an entire culture, and how sorry s/he was for any French person who had the misfortune to encounter me.

THIS POST IS A JOKE!

I don't really hate French people. It is true that I have met very few French people. This is likely due in part to the fact that I have never been to France. But the ones I have met are just like anyone else. Some I like and connect with (like Andre the pizza guy below, whom I met in 1981 when he delivered fresh baguettes every morning to the coffeehouse I cooked for), most I don't. Same with the (fill in racial or ethnic group here) people I have met.

Allow me to repeat my message for all the future Anonymouses:

THIS POST IS A JOKE!

You may not laugh. That's OK.....check the rules of this blog at the top right. But at least see it for what it is before you send me that nasty e-mail. OK?

Let me begin by saying that I have never met a French person I have liked. Truth to tell, I have not met that many French people in my life, but with the possible exception of a Frenchman I know in Seattle, who makes one hell of a pizza, the ones I know I don't care for. When I first meet them, they are so diplomatic and all, but later their true nature comes out: arrogant, uncaring, cold, and they will sell you out in a heartbeat.

Their history is not much to recommend them. They caved to the Nazis at the first whiff of Hitler's cologne. They stole the Belgians' recipe for preparing potatoes and called it their own. (I will admit that the phrase, "Belgian Fries" does not exactly trip off the tongue. Still, it rankles.) They have never had a famous rock and roll band. They don't know how to make movies. And they spit upon any foreigner who does not speak their language impeccably. (I think they do. Or was it that Americans spit upon returning Viet Nam veterans? I always mix those two things up, probably because Americans replaced the French in trying to conquer Viet Nam.)

But I will tell you the real reason I don't like French people. It has to do with the French phrase, "je ne sais quois." (I know I am misspelling it, but it just goes to show how screwed up their language is, and how unreasonable the French are for expecting anyone else to be able to speak it correctly.) I can't tell you how many times I have innocently and honestly asked a French person what that phrase means in English. I mean, you see the phrase all the time, and I don't think it is unreasonable to ask what it means. Isn't this how we learn, how we expand our worlds, by asking questions? I know I learn a lot that way, and I suspect you do, too.

Invariably, this is how the conversation goes:

ME (to a French person): What does the phrase "je ne sais quois" mean in English?

French person: "Oh, that certain unexplainable something."

ME: I know that, that is why I am asking the question. What does it mean?"

French person: "That is what it means.......a certain something I cannot put into words."

ME: "Look, if you don't know what it means, why can't you just admit it, rather than fumbling around trying to confuse me even further??"

French person: "No, no, you misunderstand! That is the translation, as close as I can come.....that inexplicable something.....the, uh, I don't know......what is hard to describe."

ME: "Christ almighty, let's move on! Jesus, you French people! Just admit you don't even understand your own damn language!! Let's try this one: langiappe?"

Then a whole new round begins, and I end up feeling like I am on the losing end of an Abbott and Costello routine:

"Who's on first?"

"Yes."

I think our lives would be a lot happier if we all - French people especially - would just be willing to admit that sometimes there are ideas or concepts that we don't fully understand and cannot explain, rather than getting all hypocritical and acting like we know it all. I know I freely admit it when someone asks me something I don't know the answer to. Like, "Why are French people so haughty? What do they have to feel all superior about?"

Search me.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you think that you are being cool and sophisticated for just slamming a culture of which you obviously have absolutely no understanding, I will tell you that you are sadly mistaken. If your sample conversation ever actually took place ... which I don't see how you could not be able to "tell...how many times [you] have innocently and honestly asked a French person what [the] phrase means in English," having admitted that you "have not met that many French people in [your] life"... I feel bad for the French person who had to suffer your ignorance.

music4moi said...

"Je ne said quoi" in english literally means i don't know. So you are already wrong in ur provincial and ignorant definition. You seem to be a complete dumbass who needs to shut the fuck up.