(Editor’s note: throughout this article, I use the term "America" and "Americans" to signify the USA and its citizens. I know there are a lot of people out there who are saying that this usage is improper because this whole hemisphere is American and no way should these terms refer only to those in the USA. Well, I for one am tired of this whining. First Venezuela and Bolivia steal our oil and natural gas and now all those little countries down there are trying to steal our NAME! Enough, already.)
Like you, I have been worried lately about the state of America. I am pleased to be able to report to you today, though, that the tide is finally turning again in our favor, and there is much cause for a lot of rejoicing among us common folks. Let me explain…
My worries have mainly been centered around two issues: the propaganda machine is foundering, and I may be once again called up personally to serve my country in its hour of need.
For a long time, in the face of poll numbers showing an alarming trend among the populace, that being an increasing nasty tendency to answer poll takers’ questions in a manner demonstrating an appalling lack of belief in the pronouncements of our government, I continued to rely on the fact that 66% of American adults believed in the Creation Myth. I took sustenance in the knowledge that, underneath it all, beat the hearts of a people whose gullibility – like their stupidity - knew no bounds. I found solace in the continuing degradation of an already pathetic public education system, guaranteed to continually produce a polity as dumb as warm rocks and even less likely to question, to connect, than my generation is. I buttressed my diminishing confidence by remembering that, while we are a nation of the bravest Voters and Poll Respondents that the world has ever seen, we are also a nation of bloated tubs of lard whose collective belly buttons, obscured by our burgeoning omentums, are beyond pondering and even if they weren’t, that’s an awful lot of WORK! But lately, even I began having my doubts….after all, polls don't lie, which is something I learned in school.
Add to that, alarming news that our military is "broken," "stretched to the limit," or "not meeting its recruiting goals," depending upon whom you listened to. And these were military experts saying this! How long would it be before my 4-F status, which I earned one steamy summer morning by suffering an injury leading to permanent disability and medically retired status while serving my country IN the VIET NAM era, would cease to protect me from ravenous recruiters?
Now, what the hell good is a propaganda machine if no one is buying its product? Was it ultimately for NO REASON that Sigmund Freud’s nephew invented the Public Relations industry in America? Has it been for naught that this industry has so thoroughly massaged our minds and corrupted our basic beliefs about ourselves and our places in this world, has atomized our populace to a point beyond redemption, and has been so successful in its efforts that pure violence has been rendered largely obsolete as a means of societal control?
I mean, COME ON, people! Haven’t you and I watched in horror as support for our wars has diminished, as our president’s approval ratings have declined, as his loyal minions have been given the bum’s rush by the limousine load? (Shit, one guy - Libby or Liddy, I can never remember which - was even convicted of a crime and was looking at a Prison Wedding to the guy with the most cigarettes that he hadn't factored into his romantic future, until God intervened.) You can’t tell me you don’t cry at night.
I have even been comtemplating moving to a different country. My friends over there at International Living tell me that Nicaragua is looking real good right now. Real estate there is just begging for some good old fashioned American speculation, the political situation has cooled down, and Daniel Ortega, the former Sandinista turned Catholic, has recriminalized abortion. What more do I need?
Now comes the General and Freedom Watch. Petraeus, I think. (Petreus? Portius? Shit, whatever happened to Westmoreland and Ike and those easy names?) And Freedom Watch, with those cool commercials featuring busted-up vets just DROOLING to get back in action.
Between the General and the Watch and Congress and the media and a WELL-DONE PUBLIC RELATIONS CAMPAIGN, morning is dawning again in America! Yes, 60% of us (less than the 66% mentioned above, but a majority anyhow) trust the military to talk about and fix Iraq. And we LOVE those legless patriots! I can’t tell you how heartening and reassuring it is for me to see these guys who took up arms to go and kill ‘em some Iraqis and somehow got blowed up in the process are just fuckin’ PISSED that they can’t be over there with their buddies blowing up even more shit and people, if it weren’t for some pussy military regulations keepin’ from doin’ it. I say, get ‘em back over there! You are already taking criminals, mentally retarded, and -YES – gay people over there, so why not let the shot-up ones go back? I have two important things in my life here: a 4-F status and Other Priorities. Both should protect me from further sacrifices to my country, but the way things are going, I need something I can hold onto here, some solid convincing that I won’t be called up again, and if I knew you were willing to take another look at these pussy rules with an eye toward softening them up a little bit, toward being a little more cognizant of the "situation on the ground" over there, I could sleep a lot better. (One caveat: DON’T send the gay ones back. Just like John Wayne was needed here stateside during WWII to perform the greater public service by making those patriotic movies, we got a lot of extremely repressed senators, congressmen, evangelist preachers, and other powerful people who need "servicing" in a way that ONLY THE GAY PEOPLE can help with.)
So, my fellow Americans, take heart in the return of our Morning here on the City on the Hill. The Kool-Aid is fresh and strong. The tide is turning. The wars are getting popular again, and we focus our admiring gazes away from Those Who Want The Terrorists To Win and back on the Guys With All Those Shiny Medals And Good Posture. You are beginning to come back to your senses. Freud’s nephew thanks you for being there for him once again, and I thank you for redeeming yourselves in my estimation, and for perpetuating my status as a person who can not only gloat about my VIET NAM era sacrifices, but continue to collect my military pension and forget about being called up again.
Now quit reading this stupid blog! Jesus, there is an entire mainstream media out there! Are you BLIND?
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